Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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