you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize