How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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