I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
