even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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