I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
