WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
