The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
