I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
