a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
