shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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