when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
