apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
