We're facebook friends in real life
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
