I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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