Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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