me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
