I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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