He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
