he told me I talked like a deaf person
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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