That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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