Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize