I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
