sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
