if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
