My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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