So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
