Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
