My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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