How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
