I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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