It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
