Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
