Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
