i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
