I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
