Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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