I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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