so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
