fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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