I think I won the penis lottery.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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