i'm signing you up for texting rehab
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
