I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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