i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize