you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
