i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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