I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize