every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
