I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize