your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
