As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
even my farts smell like vagina
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize