So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
