So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Operation Purity has been aborted
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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