I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
