If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
