I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This toilet bowl is my home.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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