just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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