naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
