Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
