Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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