saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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