How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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