I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just invented taco cereal.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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