I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
