i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
